You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
