remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
