Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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