did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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