And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
