I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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