My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
