Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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