take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
