I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
