Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
