Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
