maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
