we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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