he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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