Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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