Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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