I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
