He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
