I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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