Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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