My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
