The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
