They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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