The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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