Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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