Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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