I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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