Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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