Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
