Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
