You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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