So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He kissed a someone with a penis
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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