FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
