If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
