We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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