sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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