It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
