I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
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They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
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I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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