You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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