I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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