Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
