I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
