I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
