My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
