i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
