I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
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When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
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You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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