The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize