Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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