also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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