Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
