I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
