from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
