Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
