Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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