Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
