By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
