wanna go halves on a baby?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize