I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
