I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
