i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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