I want to make a zoo with you.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
